technique: how to ruin a presentation

one surefire way to put the ad agency in their place like the suppliers that they are is how one behaves at a presentation. it doesn't matter what the agenda of the meetings are, every presentation is a venue to humiliate and exploit the agency (although creative presentations are the most fun as this is the time where the agency's pride can be most bitchslapped and pussywhipped).

a long time ago, it has come to my knowledge that ad agency people have presentation skills seminar/workshops where they are trained on the finer ways on how to get my nod. or so they think. it is hilarious, by the way, stuff about looking everyone in the eye including my junior staff (bad, even i don't look at them) and keeping quiet and letting me speak when i interrupt (good, i am the client, after all), all the usual bull. 

now, let me share with you the finer ways of ruining a presentation. 

• before the presentation

make a call and schedule an emergency meeting. make sure that the call happens way beyond the office hours. preferably on a weekend. even better if it's a three-day weekend. mood and tone is important. you should sound like it is the end of the world. equally important is the person receiving this call and the most appropriate is the sucker from account management. as you know that she is mentally challenged, rattle off some big words and marketing jargon. make sure to punctuate it with the words *i am even thinking of pitching this account*. these are the magic words that will set of a series of other phonecalls to other agency people the minute you hang up.

and on the next business day, follow up on the meeting via email and cc the agency big shots. demand a fixed date, preferably on the very same day. without saying *i am even thinking of pitching this account* say something a little vaguer of the same message. like, *it might be time for exploration*. this will get everyone wondering if the stupid sucker from account management got what you meant or not.

an hour before the scheduled presentation, call the sucker again to cancel. preferably you should be at the spa getting massaged so that she can hear the chimes and the new age music in the background (although my personal favorite is when i'm at the golf course where i let my caddie finish the conversation).

this setting and resetting of the meeting should be repeated according to taste.

• during the presentation

arrive late. very late. the kind of *please check the schedule again and are we on the right conference room* late. after about two hours or so, come into the room talking, no, shouting on your phone. throw in a few cusswords. sit down and don't offer any pleasantries to their hellos and good afternoons.

now would be the time for small talk. the weather, the stock market, the front page news. gossip also works, the sleazier, the better. if it's about ad agency gossip, the best. continue doing this until someone from the ad agency tries to steer the meeting into the agenda. then what you do is make another loud phone call. continue all these interruptions while they are presenting. you may walk out, get a cup of coffee, try your swing at your office putty, or just open your laptop and log on to your IM. make sure everyone hears the pinging sounds.

• after the presentation

make sure that nobody knows that the presentation is over...just walk away and never return.

then about three hours, when it's already way past 5 o'clock and happy hour, call the sucker from account management again and give new directions, ask new questions, let her read to you the call report.

repeat to taste.

then schedule another presentation.