people: my vp for marketing

given that i have been screwing with her body long enough (her mind for even longer), my veepee for marketing deserves a post. if i could only name her, i would charge her an arm and a leg for this exposure.

i can actually squeeze this post into two words:

fucktard.

dimbecile.

yes, those are actually four words but i just can't avoid describing her in a mentally unstable kind of way because let's face it, had it been any different, she wouldn't be working for me, would she. it's not like she would miss how i fuck her. it's more that she knows she wouldn't survive the real P&G and Unilever jungles. quid pro quo, as doctor hannibal would say. you work for me and in return i give you the hope that you will be the queen someday (not to mention i fuck you whenever i well damn please).

one more hint of her being mentally unstable is that she is given to crying a lot like a fucking sissy. crying as in tears. in meetings, on the phone, while doing product testing, during a tv shoot. wtf. and she's into all these drugs so she could fall asleep. tsk, tsk, maybe i just need to fuck her some more.

freaks have always attracted me, the uglier, the better. like those explorers of yore venturing into terra incognita, there is that primal calling to shame, use, and eventually discard my second in command. she just doesn't know it yet.

a word on awards

i was halfway doctoring my books so i can cheat the government of a few millions when my phone rang. it was the brainless account something of my favorite supplier, the ad agency. i thought it was a reminder of the monthly agency-sponsored lunch of the restaurant of my choice. i was wrong. turns out the bitch wanted to "run" some ads so that they could enter it in an awards show. i then ask, why would they do that? the moron replied, so that the brand, my brand could be recognized. recognized by whom? i ask again although my voice is showing that i am about to say "fuck you" to her. she then tried to be charming (aren't all whores) saying, recognition by the whole advertising industry. that's when i got confused. why would an industry recognize itself. wouldn't it be better if they just cheat the government than enter some awards show? of course i said no. even threatened that if ever a single piece of ad of my brand is entered, much more win, i am giving the account to another agency without the benefit of a pitch. when it was obvious i have rattled her brain cells - all seven of them - i gently reminded her when is the agency-sponsored lunch.

awards. why would my supplier, the ad agency have all the glory. only me, the client should be in the limelight. after all, i am the one giving them their money, no matter how shortchanged they are. i am more intelligent than all of my agency's creative combined, thus only i should be the one to have an award. if ever there is an award show that only have the client on its credits, that i will join. why make wining creatives' egos all the more bloated? they're just my suppliers, my bitches anyway.

awards. the word is "unnecessary".

the logo

today i am going to talk about what campaign and imaging is all about. the almighty logo. if my drinking buddy jesus has his halo, i have the logo. look it up before you laugh, you ignorant agency cavemen: the scripture says, "in the beginning was the word...". the word "word" is the greek word for "word" which is logos. dumwit, fuckshit. i know these things because i am the client.

more than anything else, the logo is what reminds me that the ad agency is my bitch. and every time i want to make it chase its tail, i just say, "make the goddamn logo bigger." this request is sure to give the art director an extra pimple. or, if we are doing a tv ad, i can always see the producer roll his eyes through the eye behind my head. i can even hear the silent giggles of junior AEs, the ones i am going to punish with ridiculous demands that will deprive them of precious weekends.

a bit sadistic you might say. but this is what the masochists at the agency really wants.

here's proof that my bitch loves any form of logo, sometimes even more than i do: when i walk in their lobby, holy jesus, their logos are big. plural, take note. it is a bit scary. even their fact books have logos. and when i visit their website, the landing page alone has - gasp - three logos. powerpoint templates? you bet, there's a logo on every fucking slide! yes, i count them all, the way i count my logos in every ad. and fuss about its size. (don't be a wiseass - for radio commercials, i make it a point to hear my brand at the first 5 seconds even if it's a 15 seconder or else...)

the lesson here is that as a client, one must always demand for logo revisions. bigger and more is always better. 

summer reading

i am a bit busy screwing my vp, terrorizing my staff, and unleashing hell on my favorite supplier -  the ad agency.

here's a sample of my summer reading. and yes, the book no logo is pure bullshit. i, the client, say "on with corporate greed and unaccountability".

i hope you enjoy these books as i did. 

before i forget

as the top dog and the big cheese, it helps a lot to hire ugly and stupid people as your marketing staff. and by ugly i mean ugly, the kind that will lose whatever self-confidence they have with one insult about their nose. or gums. as for the stupid, it is self-explanatory. what else can make me feel brilliant, if not mentally-challenged staff? plus, when i say i could not have done anything without them, the irony of it all is really exhilarating...like uppers and downers combined.

technique: how to ruin a presentation

one surefire way to put the ad agency in their place like the suppliers that they are is how one behaves at a presentation. it doesn't matter what the agenda of the meetings are, every presentation is a venue to humiliate and exploit the agency (although creative presentations are the most fun as this is the time where the agency's pride can be most bitchslapped and pussywhipped).

a long time ago, it has come to my knowledge that ad agency people have presentation skills seminar/workshops where they are trained on the finer ways on how to get my nod. or so they think. it is hilarious, by the way, stuff about looking everyone in the eye including my junior staff (bad, even i don't look at them) and keeping quiet and letting me speak when i interrupt (good, i am the client, after all), all the usual bull. 

now, let me share with you the finer ways of ruining a presentation. 

• before the presentation

make a call and schedule an emergency meeting. make sure that the call happens way beyond the office hours. preferably on a weekend. even better if it's a three-day weekend. mood and tone is important. you should sound like it is the end of the world. equally important is the person receiving this call and the most appropriate is the sucker from account management. as you know that she is mentally challenged, rattle off some big words and marketing jargon. make sure to punctuate it with the words *i am even thinking of pitching this account*. these are the magic words that will set of a series of other phonecalls to other agency people the minute you hang up.

and on the next business day, follow up on the meeting via email and cc the agency big shots. demand a fixed date, preferably on the very same day. without saying *i am even thinking of pitching this account* say something a little vaguer of the same message. like, *it might be time for exploration*. this will get everyone wondering if the stupid sucker from account management got what you meant or not.

an hour before the scheduled presentation, call the sucker again to cancel. preferably you should be at the spa getting massaged so that she can hear the chimes and the new age music in the background (although my personal favorite is when i'm at the golf course where i let my caddie finish the conversation).

this setting and resetting of the meeting should be repeated according to taste.

• during the presentation

arrive late. very late. the kind of *please check the schedule again and are we on the right conference room* late. after about two hours or so, come into the room talking, no, shouting on your phone. throw in a few cusswords. sit down and don't offer any pleasantries to their hellos and good afternoons.

now would be the time for small talk. the weather, the stock market, the front page news. gossip also works, the sleazier, the better. if it's about ad agency gossip, the best. continue doing this until someone from the ad agency tries to steer the meeting into the agenda. then what you do is make another loud phone call. continue all these interruptions while they are presenting. you may walk out, get a cup of coffee, try your swing at your office putty, or just open your laptop and log on to your IM. make sure everyone hears the pinging sounds.

• after the presentation

make sure that nobody knows that the presentation is over...just walk away and never return.

then about three hours, when it's already way past 5 o'clock and happy hour, call the sucker from account management again and give new directions, ask new questions, let her read to you the call report.

repeat to taste.

then schedule another presentation.

structure: the ad agency

as a client, i have many suppliers. but my favorite among these is the ad agency. they can do so much for me for only so little money. they can even help me cheat the government by forcing them to bill me under a false company that i declare bankrupt at the end of every fiscal year.

so in this post, allow me to share the structure of the ad agency.

like my marketing team, the ad agency also has its own hierarchy, so let's start at the top and dissect them into their roles.

the top executives - they are the partners, presidents, general managers. some have their surnames on the agency stationery as affixes to initials of worldwide agency networks. this fact doesn't mean a thing, they are still my suppliers ready to do my bidding. they will lick my hand and polish my boots when i tell them to. some are big shot creatives, star accounts, stellar planners. once upon a time. most if not all who get to this level are the has beens who have long ago lost their touch and are now just nourishing their fragile egos, closeting their homosexuality, raking in their pay. i always give them a levelheaded treatment, or so they think. i even make them believe that we are friends, all the more so i can squeeze favors even out of business hours. in the end, it's all about how they can serve me.

the middle managers - they are the senior people in the agency and can be divided into:

• account management (head of account/business unit director/account supervisor)

they do all the hard work. especially in sucking up. i always look for an account person who would not hesitate to sing and dance, and if it comes to it, drop her skirt and thong for me. believe me, some of the most senior ones in the account department suck ass as if it's the only thing they're good at. and most of the time, they are right. all the better as they are just suppliers.

• creative (creative director/associate creative director)

they also do all the hard work. they think of ideas i can never come up with. what i most love about them is that they are just little kids. it is so easy to break their hearts. i always make it a point to turn down the idea that they are most passionate about just to see the look on their faces.

• planning (head of planning, senior planner)

i will say this honestly: i have no idea what is it they do. especially that every brief i turn over to the agency is already perfect.

the juniors -  from whatever department, these i hold in contempt like my customers. i believe that they are worthless and just gaining some experience from my brands. i never meet their eyes, never talk to them, they don't exist and are not worthy to be in my presence. unless of course they can drive me to the shoot location or buy me an expensive bottle of wine, that's why we have junior account executives, don't we?