a word on awards

i was halfway doctoring my books so i can cheat the government of a few millions when my phone rang. it was the brainless account something of my favorite supplier, the ad agency. i thought it was a reminder of the monthly agency-sponsored lunch of the restaurant of my choice. i was wrong. turns out the bitch wanted to "run" some ads so that they could enter it in an awards show. i then ask, why would they do that? the moron replied, so that the brand, my brand could be recognized. recognized by whom? i ask again although my voice is showing that i am about to say "fuck you" to her. she then tried to be charming (aren't all whores) saying, recognition by the whole advertising industry. that's when i got confused. why would an industry recognize itself. wouldn't it be better if they just cheat the government than enter some awards show? of course i said no. even threatened that if ever a single piece of ad of my brand is entered, much more win, i am giving the account to another agency without the benefit of a pitch. when it was obvious i have rattled her brain cells - all seven of them - i gently reminded her when is the agency-sponsored lunch.

awards. why would my supplier, the ad agency have all the glory. only me, the client should be in the limelight. after all, i am the one giving them their money, no matter how shortchanged they are. i am more intelligent than all of my agency's creative combined, thus only i should be the one to have an award. if ever there is an award show that only have the client on its credits, that i will join. why make wining creatives' egos all the more bloated? they're just my suppliers, my bitches anyway.

awards. the word is "unnecessary".

the logo

today i am going to talk about what campaign and imaging is all about. the almighty logo. if my drinking buddy jesus has his halo, i have the logo. look it up before you laugh, you ignorant agency cavemen: the scripture says, "in the beginning was the word...". the word "word" is the greek word for "word" which is logos. dumwit, fuckshit. i know these things because i am the client.

more than anything else, the logo is what reminds me that the ad agency is my bitch. and every time i want to make it chase its tail, i just say, "make the goddamn logo bigger." this request is sure to give the art director an extra pimple. or, if we are doing a tv ad, i can always see the producer roll his eyes through the eye behind my head. i can even hear the silent giggles of junior AEs, the ones i am going to punish with ridiculous demands that will deprive them of precious weekends.

a bit sadistic you might say. but this is what the masochists at the agency really wants.

here's proof that my bitch loves any form of logo, sometimes even more than i do: when i walk in their lobby, holy jesus, their logos are big. plural, take note. it is a bit scary. even their fact books have logos. and when i visit their website, the landing page alone has - gasp - three logos. powerpoint templates? you bet, there's a logo on every fucking slide! yes, i count them all, the way i count my logos in every ad. and fuss about its size. (don't be a wiseass - for radio commercials, i make it a point to hear my brand at the first 5 seconds even if it's a 15 seconder or else...)

the lesson here is that as a client, one must always demand for logo revisions. bigger and more is always better. 

structure: the ad agency

as a client, i have many suppliers. but my favorite among these is the ad agency. they can do so much for me for only so little money. they can even help me cheat the government by forcing them to bill me under a false company that i declare bankrupt at the end of every fiscal year.

so in this post, allow me to share the structure of the ad agency.

like my marketing team, the ad agency also has its own hierarchy, so let's start at the top and dissect them into their roles.

the top executives - they are the partners, presidents, general managers. some have their surnames on the agency stationery as affixes to initials of worldwide agency networks. this fact doesn't mean a thing, they are still my suppliers ready to do my bidding. they will lick my hand and polish my boots when i tell them to. some are big shot creatives, star accounts, stellar planners. once upon a time. most if not all who get to this level are the has beens who have long ago lost their touch and are now just nourishing their fragile egos, closeting their homosexuality, raking in their pay. i always give them a levelheaded treatment, or so they think. i even make them believe that we are friends, all the more so i can squeeze favors even out of business hours. in the end, it's all about how they can serve me.

the middle managers - they are the senior people in the agency and can be divided into:

• account management (head of account/business unit director/account supervisor)

they do all the hard work. especially in sucking up. i always look for an account person who would not hesitate to sing and dance, and if it comes to it, drop her skirt and thong for me. believe me, some of the most senior ones in the account department suck ass as if it's the only thing they're good at. and most of the time, they are right. all the better as they are just suppliers.

• creative (creative director/associate creative director)

they also do all the hard work. they think of ideas i can never come up with. what i most love about them is that they are just little kids. it is so easy to break their hearts. i always make it a point to turn down the idea that they are most passionate about just to see the look on their faces.

• planning (head of planning, senior planner)

i will say this honestly: i have no idea what is it they do. especially that every brief i turn over to the agency is already perfect.

the juniors -  from whatever department, these i hold in contempt like my customers. i believe that they are worthless and just gaining some experience from my brands. i never meet their eyes, never talk to them, they don't exist and are not worthy to be in my presence. unless of course they can drive me to the shoot location or buy me an expensive bottle of wine, that's why we have junior account executives, don't we?

definition of terms: marketing campaign

god bless the greeks. they gave us sodomy, the story for the graphic novel 300, and the idea of defining terms before doing anything else so that everyone will be on the same page.

in this post, i, the client and lord of advertising agencies will define what is a marketing campaign.

simply put, a marketing a campaign is any effort that i so desire. 

is everyone clear on this? the operative word is not effort but desire. if i desire a lobster dinner in the guise of reviewing what the competition is doing, that is marketing campaign. if i desire that we reheat the leftovers from last year's plans so that i can berate the agency and power trip on my staff if sales continue to dip, that is a marketing campaign. if i desire a discount from the meager agency commission, that is a marketing campaign. and there better be efforts so that these desires will come into fruition.

the following are particular marketing campaigns i am most proud of:

• getting a free membership into one of the most exclusive country clubs at the expense of my slaves, the ad agency

• being able to travel to another country through a promo - the first prize was a trip for two, and being the client, i also went with the winner

• getting a boxed set of jethro tull by demanding from the junior account executive that this is what i want for christmas, aside from a dinner at a five star hotel

• hiding millions in profit from the government by making the ad agency finance slaves bill me through a bogus firm and then declaring bankruptcy at the end of the fiscal year.

there are many other marketing campaigns that i have done, but these are the ones that really stand out. seriously now, what is the launch of the iPhone compared to scamming the government? 

my tenets

everything there is to know about creating an advertising campaign, i learned from myself. i am the client, after all.

you, poor people you, and i mean that in the monetary term as well, are so goddamn lucky to be learning from me. take these to heart and you too shall be on top of the marketing ladder, bossing it over to advertising agencies unlucky enough to be servicing whatever brands you will be handling. servicing, i love that word. doesn't it make them agency people sound like the prostitutes that they are?

on to my tenets:

1. the client is king. 

this cannot be refuted, doubted, and disputed. a lot have tried both from my marketing staff to ad agency slaves, and they all have failed. they all have been fired never to get a glimpse of my genius ever again. i repeat my blog's tagline (i learned that word from a junior copywriter whom i intimidated and harassed on her first presentation) to bring this point to a close: he who signs the C.E. creates the campaign. that's right, i, the client, dare to use the word create.

2. the consumer is stupid.

henry ford, the inventor of the automobile and my own personal marketing hero once said:

"if i had asked what my consumers wanted, they would have replied, 'a faster horse.'" i rest my case.

3. the advertising agency is a supplier.

if your puny, little mind can accommodate only a bit of my wisdom, forget that first two tenets and drill this third point into your brain. this is what will make you survive, get ahead, and to use the word again, create groundbreaking campaigns. this is what this blog is about. this is what you can expect from my brilliance. i will be explaining this point in all future posts so that everyone will know how to behave like a king.